Grief
and blue sky
As much as grief or sadness, I felt sheer outrage when my dad died. I was barely in my 30s and it was my first experience of losing someone I loved that much. This couldn’t be happening I thought, it just couldn’t.
I wasn’t able to explain it then, but I see now that my outrage was a result of denial hitting up against reality. I just expected that my dad would always be there for me. Even though his was not a sudden death, I was not all prepared for the finality of it. I couldn’t deny it though, which made me furious.
That outrage was protective really. It masked the harder emotion that lurked underneath: grief. Grief is a harder, more truthful emotion. And grief was inevitable.
That sequence, from knowledge to outrage to grief, was a great if difficult lesson about expectation and delusion. I’ve been thinking a lot about those two poles of belief this week as the US buckles and rears with outrage, grief and sadness.
The past decade has been so full of lessons in different kinds about denial and expectation and outrage. I remember talking to a bandmate before the 2016 election. I expected that Clinton would win, that the country had to see sense, and would not elect the unqualified, problematic alternative. He questioned my certainty. My bandmate was from a different part of the country, followed different media and was more in touch with those who were outraged. He didn’t say he agreed with them, but he was aware of their very real existence. Having grown up in California and socialized with a basic tolerance for all kinds of kinds, I was secure in my access to the right to choose, and equal rights in general. I paused as I saw my expectation for what it was. An expectation, not a fact. I was still devastated by the results of the 2016 election but my capacity to consider it could go that way had been expanded a bit.
Renee Good v. ICE. Good vs. evil. It all seems unreal, especially from afar. I don’t want to accept this happened in my country, and it has. I’m outraged that Good was murdered for trying to protect her neighbors, and that more people are being killed and disappeared and the administration is justifying it1. It is outrageous! And I can’t deny it happened, this is happening, even as my life this same week has been peaceful and lived under blue skies.
As I posted recently (amid just not feeling the whole posting thing) I make an effort to do at least one action a day — write/call my senators and reps and/or sign a petition — and look to Jess Craven's Chop Wood Carry Water missives for guidance, especially when I just want to bury my head in the sand. It's chock full of options for taking action if you're feeling at a loss, or blinded by outrage, or grieving. She often points out that despite the mess, all the actions people are taking does make a difference.
Let’s keep going.
Heather Cox Richardson January 10 missive is especially clear-eyed about this point in history.